I picked up Super Mario 3D World on the day it was released. I figured it would be a fun and entertaining way to spend my breaks from studying. However, I was wrong.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Champions Road from Super Mario 3D World or as I affectionately refer to it as, HELL. There are no power ups or midway check points. You have to collect all the green stars and stamps in one go lest you risk going back into this God forsaken torture test. I will now account my mental break down as I tackled this course.
Lives 1-10: Boy this is difficult! I like a challenge though. It’s good that Nintendo is not taking it easy.
Lives 10-27: Okay this is a bit much. I still haven’t gotten though the first part! Fucking Charging Chucks..
Lives 27-50: Really? You change the blocks every second? Is that even possible to do?
Lives 50-80: Okay. I have two Tanooki Leaves, I should be able to get through this. Wait…what? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! FUCKING ANTS!
Lives 80-117: Okay…so I need a Tanooki and the Cat Bell. This means I can’t get hit. FUCK I FELL OFF! NOW I CAN’T PAUSE AND LEAVE THE COURSE AND KEEP MY POWERS! Where the fuck did I get the Tanooki Leaf?…
Lives 117-130: I went through the five stages of depression.
- Okay This can’t be happening! Damn it I died!
- REALLY MARIO? I DIDN’T EVEN PRESS THAT DIRECTION, YOU DESERVED DEATH!
- Okay, God, I swear that if you help me make it through this, I’m going to study for my Torts exam for the rest of the day.
- I’ve been playing Mario for 20 years of my life and now I’m here in the fetal position cuddling the WiiU gamepad screaming and crying hoping that Shigeru Miyamoto can hear them in his sleep.
- Okay…this level is tough. I can accept that. I can beat this however. Everything will be okay.
Lives 130-completion: I know why Shigeru Miyamoto made this level. Inside the gamepad, there is a reservoir meant to collect the tears of the players. The game then sends the salty solution over to Nintendo where the CEO’s bottle it for storage. Miyamoto then bathes in the tears in order to gain inspiration for the next installment of his games. I hope he’s satisfied with what I contribute.
This level has given me a new found respect for the Mario series. I’ve completed Super Mario Galaxy’s Grandmaster Galaxy with less frustration than this. My advice to anyone playing this level is to be patient…you’ll be your own worse enemy. I’d like to wish you all the luck in the world, but for those who’ve played it know…there is no luck…this is skill…and skill alone. Nothing to help you…nothing to save you…you’ll scream and rage…growl and gnash…and you’ll know the meaning of HELL.